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It started without even realizing it. A simple teenage get together in the woods where girls meet the boys. That night in particular it was Zima. I saw my friends become Carefree and tipsy and I was just me... the Zima didn’t do anything for me and I remember so clearly being so disappointed. After that it was strictly drinking for the effect. It was smoking pot to get high and taking a pill to relax... nothing was ever enough. One drink was pointless... one hit was stupid and if one pill didn’t stop the anxiety immediately then I needed to take more. Instant gratification was my constant search. I always struggled with where I fit in growing up. I grew up with 3 brothers and my parents, one of which was an alcoholic and the other who was a daughter of an alcoholic.
When I started AA at the age of 27, I sat up front I was raw and real with my feelings. I was broken... 100% broken. Alcoholics Anonymous became my life.. and slowly gave me a life I never thought I would have but always dreamed of, which was being ok internally. I was content with the simple life. I didn’t have to care what others thought of me because I was doing the next right thing.
I got into a relationship with Christopher a day after my first year of sobriety and I was beyond happy. We both were living the sober life and fell in love. We had dreams we conquered. I absolutely adored this man, he was kind and gentle and beyond passionate. However the truth is he was an addict and alcoholic that didn’t have a foundation, but I did. I thought “lead by example” and that would bring him to where I was... I thought slowly but surely he would follow and we both would grow further together. Unfortunately I became his foundation without even realizing it.
I married Christopher in 2015 , at this time I had 3 years of sobriety and I remember the day he asked me to marry him on the beach. The excitement, the happiness, the pure love I had in my heart was beyond words.
We wanted children and had trouble getting pregnant naturally which lead me to having to do IVF. During that time I slowly was getting away from attending meetings due to the depression of infertility. We eventually got pregnant with twins which was soo exciting. Everything was going awesome he was in the carpenters union and we had a plan. However he got hurt and needed back surgery when I was six months pregnant. He was prescribed Dilaudid and Valium which caused a downward spiral.
I had my twins 6 weeks early and Chris was “detoxing” from those medications and it was pure chaos.
When the twins arrived and came home I was so far removed from my program I was already in a mental relapse.
I had to move back home due to not trusting Chris’ sobriety and pure fear. When my children were 4 months old my father had a massive stroke and passed away. At that moment I spiritually relapsed! I was angry at God. I was so sad and broken with that loss. My father was my cheerleader, my safety person, my go-to. I had two children to care for, one of which was colicky and had a milk allergy. My life was in pure chaos and I was not living “one day at a time” I was living in anger, anxiety and fear. I felt alone. My husband was using without me knowing, due to grieving my father and focus on my babies. The stealing and the long trips to store all added up.
He went to treatment in NH which was a 90 day program 10 days before Christmas (the first Christmas without my dad and the first with my twins). I was alone, I was tired, I was everything but present.
He came home and for a short time I felt like I had my “dream” of a family. We had a plan again and my babies had their dad.
I eventually had to choose my babies over my husband and I had to remove him from our lives in order for him to focus on himself. I was his foundation and I had to walk away. I told him what he needed to do in detail and begged that he follow through for us.
If someone doesn’t love themselves, they can’t get this program. No amount of love can save an addict... if that was true my husband would still be here.
In November 2018, I was called and told my husband had passed away.
The caring, kind, nonjudgmental, and passionate man that I loved overdosed and was dragged out of someone’s apartment and left on a staircase.
Shortly after, the physical part of this disease started for me.
I felt too much pain, with no foundation... I lost my seat by not going. I was embarrassed, I was sad and angry... I needed that instant gratification immediately... I hated the feeling I had in the pit of my stomach.. I relapsed in March 2019.
I loved my babies and everyone around me... but I hated how I felt inside and most importantly the fear that over took my mind. “How was I going to do this alone?” Why did they leave him?” How come my love and our kids weren’t enough?” So many questions with no answers.
If you are an alcoholic or an addict you need to hold your seat... never give that seat up... for anyone!!! We can’t save anyone... only ourselves.
Along the way some will follow and unfortunately, some will not.
I’ve experienced both sides of this disease, and the only words to describe it is a pure nightmare.
I will be celebrating a year of sobriety on June 3, 2020. By the grace of God, living one day at a time and accepting what life has been.
I want to live simply for the sake of myself and my children. My husband struggled and did not succeed in the “recovery” part of this disease. I truly believe he’s at peace and so am I.
You deserve the life you think of before you fall asleep. Slowly but surely you will get there... that’s the promise this program provides. Trust in a higher power and believe in yourself!