I remember years ago, going into detox, intake would ask me to give them 3 strengths i have or 3 things I am good at. I never felt so little and worthless as I did at that moment. That question brought up so many negative emotions and thoughts. That at that point my life revolved around courts, trips to Framingham, homeless begging people to let me sleep on their couch, jobless, surrounding myself with people necessary for survival in the grips of this disease. It reminds me of being 8 months pregnant walking from west to East Lynn to cop and of me having to leave the hospital when my son was 3 days old in NICU withdrawing from heroin while DCF took custody. It reminds me how the doctors told my mother her daughter wasn't going to make it as I was in a coma for 2 weeks with endocarditis, that all of this written above would be what I was remembered for.
Thank God that wasn't the end of my story.
If I was asked that question today I would answer...
1. Im a good mother. Because today my son depends on me, my son and I learn and grow together through NA and the people we have in our life. My son is taken care of and provided for and most importantly my son knows he is LOVED.
2. I am loyal and deserve to get that back from the people I am loyal too. Recovery has taught me to set boundaries and not accept unacceptable behavior. That goes for all relationships. From my boyfriend, to my family, to my friends. I surround myself with people who love me the same as I love them. That is what I deserve.
3. I am a strong woman. I thought getting and staying clean was impossible, this week is 5 years since I went in that coma. I have not used since. I have been through a lot of good and bad emotions over that time... a lot of proud happy moments, a lot of pain, a lot of changes and a lot of growth. I have not given up through any of it. With the help from God and the amazing people I have in my life, I don't plan on giving up tomorrow either.